me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
thank god