Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
lmao
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
couldn’t resist
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured