@notacroc

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

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@9GAG

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

@Im_Tricia

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

@SwedishCanary

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

@Daveastated

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

@karlainvt

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

@TheAndrewNadeau

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@ericsshadow

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls