me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe