Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.