Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
iPhone X
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*cough*
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.