ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Perfection.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*