ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers