ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
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My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Note to self: always read the final line
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?