Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

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“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor


imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever


[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?


Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?


Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school


vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink


Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.


I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.