Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.