“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You know who you are.