me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
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Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
best first i’ve ever seen
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”