Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
my one true gender
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.