Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Single and childfree like Jesus
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Camping tip: No.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray