Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
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My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.