ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I know karate and tons of other words.