ME: How are you?

You Might Also Like


How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items


RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.


ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?


No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.


Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”


When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.