ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Monday?
No. Next question.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?