Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
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In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.