me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Born to be mild.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way