me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
This bar smells like my childhood.