me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?