me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.