me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.