me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.