me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Not even remotely sorry.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.