Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.