ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You Might Also Like
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.