ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
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dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
🛁
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Not my job 😂
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?