me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
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Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.