Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I finally found a reason to live again.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.