Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.