Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.