Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

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How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?


Is this your resume?


It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!


the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”


7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]


Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.


I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.