Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
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[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
the greatest twitter interaction
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans