me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.