me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.