Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
The cake is mightier than the sword.