Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.