Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
You Might Also Like
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Received some very disappointing news today
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Mhm.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
More like Kate Missington.