me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.