@itsBABYSMITH

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

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@DanMentos

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

@NintenDom

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

@rockthechuck

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@bobvulfov

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@WheelTod

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

@funflaps

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

@Storminika

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

@elle91

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday