me: how do we ask nicely


me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees


I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.


[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom


God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!


[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction


I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.


[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?


Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’


Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?


What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?