Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
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The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
#polloftheday
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
repaired
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder