Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”