Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
💯😂
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry