Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.