Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.