Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
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Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?