Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
It be like that sometimes 😆
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”