Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.