Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
incredible text to wake up to
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I feel this so hard
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*