Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die