Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.