ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.