me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.