me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*