Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
A little too much information.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Uh oh…
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Every house has this drawer
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?