ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.